So What, I Can't Sing?! - Susie Schwartz Blog Post

I’m alive, I’m ALIVE, I’M A….LIIII…VE!!

Sorry. I’m not shouting. I’m singing! (Kinda the same thing? Maybe? I do wish I could sing better so it wouldn’t hurt everyone’s ears when I belt out the hook to a good ballad. But I don’t let a little terrible singing stop me.)

Sia has some awesome tunes and whenever I hear this one (Alive) I feel excited about life. Even if my joints are aching or my back is killing or my blood sugar is whack and I just want to sleep but can’t or I’ve got a puking migraine. Wait. Nope. Not that last one. Sorry Sia. You’re music is golden but when there’s puking involved…

I’m serious though.

We were sitting with friends at a bbq, my veggie burger and salad precariously balanced on my lap, and a mixed playlist filled the back garden. The sun was shining and everyone wore shorts and flip flops. As I sat wrapped in my grandmother’s quilt, a blanket scarf and jeans with socks and shoes (I’m cold. Always. My friends still raise their eyebrows a little at this scene, even though they know this about me.) ‘Alive’ started playing behind me. Conversation didn’t allow an appropriate moment to do my usual vocal belt-out, but my spirit almost leapt off my seat. My friend Kath probably wondered why on earth my smile got all toothy and huge, but then again, I think she knew.

‘I was born in a thunderstorm

I grew up overnight

I played alone

I played on my own

I survived…

I’m still breathing, I’m still breathing

I’m alive

I’m alive…’

It’s no secret I’ve been through a lot. (Haven’t we all?) And sometimes I wallow. I rant and cry and stay in bed even when I don’t have to. But when Sia sings that song to me, and yes…she is singing it to me, I can’t help but smile and think of all that I’ve survived…physically and emotionally. It’s like a power surges through me and all of a sudden I’m standing on top of a mountain beside a lion and we are roaring in unison to the world, ‘I’m still breathin’ I’m ALIVE!’ I’m not sure why I picture a lion there beside me except that maybe it’s because I’ve always had someone – a friend, a sister, my hubs, a chronically ill friend – with me each breath on that climb. Maybe you are the lion standing with me. I’d like that.

Anyway, I’ve got Sia playing now as I sit in my backyard and type and I’m laughing because I could literally write this whole post using lyrics from her music.

‘Not today…’

‘Unstoppable today…’

‘Clipped wing I was a broken thing…’

‘I don’t wanna die…’

‘I don’t care if I sing off key…’

Full circle there with that last one, I’d say.

I’d love to hear what your favourite ‘Belt out mountain top’ songs are that help you rise above the pain of illness and I’m sure others could benefit too.

I really hope you are hanging in and no matter what…gentle hugs from me to you.

We all want less health stress, yes?

Susie